Purr Inside Of Me

To be more precise - my 4th birthday. Exactly 4 years ago (5th of October 2012) I got a second life. Actually from this date I divide my life as before and after implantation of a pacemaker.

I was thinking many times if I should really write this note, cause I don’t like to write about politics and church. But this subject, on which the whole country lives, concerns me directly. And believe me - I feel a huge fear mixed with anger.

I dreamt about a baby and I have a wonderful daughter. I dream about another one, but I’m not sure if’ll ever decide to take this step.

Do you know anything about to be sick when you’re pregnant? You can’t heal, because this threatens the developing fetus. You can’t use most of medicines...

And do you know anything about illnesses, which you had before you got pregnant? Well - in most cases they’re getting stronger and more troubling.

So if you have dry skin, it can turn out, that it’ll be more dry and none body lotion will help. Ok, so maybe opposite situation - you have oily skin? When you’re pregnant it’s possible, that you’ll have acne like a teeneger. Do you have gingivitis often? Well, it’s possible, that you’ll have it whole 9 months. Diabetes? Maybe blood sugar will spike like a crazy pixie on the trampoline. 
Or maybe my case - ventricular and supraventricular tachycardia with the pulse more than 250 bpm? Or maybe atrioventricular block (which results with pulse 20-30 bpm)? 
Both are life-threatening situations. 
My pacemaker regulates low heart rhythm (so it’s quite safe for me) but it can’t regulate high puls problems. And as I told before - every medicine is dangerous for growing baby.

And those “pro life people” are screaming, that we have to protect every life! Well… Ok, but why my life is less important than fetus life? Why am I worse?

You know what? I know the feeling when the heart stops for a dozen seconds and believe me - I don’t wish this even the worst enemy. This it that moment, when you realise, that tomorrow might never come; moment when you see your whole life. You don’t feel any fear, you just feel sorry, because you couldn’t accomplish your plans and dreams.

Those who won’t learn the hard way will never know how it is to die. It’s not anything, what you can imagine.

On what basis do someone decide about me and my life? Someone, who knows nothing and didn’t experienced cardioversion; who never lied on the operating table and never saw the end.

Everything is different now. I can appreciate each ray of sunlight, each raindrop, the wind which moves the leaves, every snowflake… Because I know everything is fragile...

And you know what? I really want to live!

If the pregnancy can kill me I want to have a choice. I don’t want to leave my daughter, my husband and the rest of my family.

Of course I respect women, who sacrifice themselves to give birth. Those who know, that they can die, because they are pregnant. I respect Agata Mróz, which chose her baby’s life. She had a choice and she followed your conscience.

But ok, let's leave a the issue of conscience. What if there is ectopic pregnancy? Because our new law says clearly: no abortion, no matter what the circumstances. Fetus grows in the fallopian tube (and it’s already known at this stage that it won’t survive). And it’ll grow up unlit tear off the fallopian tube. Woman will die in pain with her max 5 weeks baby… In the name of what? 
So what does it mean ‘to protect the life’? What life? For sure not a woman life...

And what about babies, which will born deadly sick? What if they’re going to live a couple of hours, days, maybe weeks…? What if they will suffer? Nobody thinks about how the mother will feel, when she’ll hold her dying and suffering baby…

Also nobody thinks what about the kids, which will live, but they’ll never be independent. It’s difficult choice; I don’t know how would I behave. You have to know, that the ‘life protection’ ends with birth. What’s going to be next? Nobody cares. No one will give a financial help to mother who has to spend a lot of money for rehabilitation and maintenance this baby. No one will support her mentally. And after her death nobody will take care this baby. This kid will be probably adult person and will be taken to the closer unspecified nursing home, where maybe will be washed and feed (if the nurses will have a mood for this)... Yes, that’s the polish reality! That’s how it works!

I’m skipping the subject ‘pregnancy from rape’, cause fortunately neither me nor my friends have no experience with that.

Our ‘brilliant government’ supports this new law, which break human rights and Hippocratic Oath. Doctors will be afraid to save life, because they won’t want to go to the jail. 
These ‘high ranked’ people, who can decide for us won’t feel it. They have so much money, that they can easily make abortion abroad; they’ll hire good lawyers and no one will prove anything to them.

And all these ‘pro lives’? These are only populace, who blindly trust our government… I’m really curious if these small citizens still going to give them solid support, when they will be watching the life fade from sisters, wives, daughters or granddaughters eyes...

I didn’t take part in the black protest on the Castle square, I didn’t want to go there with my little baby, cause she’s still weakened after the illness. But I wore black clothes and I hardly support this protest.

And I still hope, that this is everything for the show… That the government is making confusion, to push away people of interesting in other acts; because now when everybody are focusing on the black protest something else is getting invisible...