The closer we are, the more stress we feel

The caesarean section is planned for 26th of October. It’s later than I thought, but doctors said that it’s better for my daughter - probably they’re right.
But I admit that I would like to give birth earlier, because it’s really hard now. And a lot of stress. I’m not afraid of hospital and surgery, I have some metaphysical fears… Will I be a good mother? Will Maja be happy? Can I give her everything what she needs? Can I be strong and patient enough for her? Am I really as much responsible as I thought before?
Some time ago I was reading someone’s note. Some young mother wrote, that before she had a baby she was energetic and full of enthusiasm woman. And now she has 3 years old baby, wonderful husband and it might seem perfect life. Yes, she wouldn’t change it for anything else, but she’s not really happy… For all these 3 years she didn’t have even 1 day for herself, even 1 minute to take a rest and relax. She can’t sleep, she doesn’t have a time to meet her friends, go to hairdresser, on a date with husband, she couldn’t even read any book…
First year of motherhood she focused on baby, making something at home, dinners - everyday it was a lot of to do. After this year she returned to work and it’s not better…
The number of duties is the same, but it’s less time to do it… There is no option to stretch time (if someone invented it, he would probably get a Noble price).
I’m really happy that I’ll be a mum, but please tell me - is it really so hard? Can I really forget about any relaxation? I won’t be surprised if you tell me “you get what you wanted”; you’re right with this - I wanted and I still want, I’m just afraid of this. I’m afraid, because I know myself and I’m sure that if I’ll have to give up myself and my hobbies I’ll be frustrated…
The same as now, when I can’t find any job, I’m just sitting at home and wasting fresh air :( I envy my husband and everyone surrounding me, because they have a chance! They can leave home and go to work. They can spend some time in different company, they can separate private and professional life.
And they envy me - because I don’t have to wake up very early, I have flexible work time, I don’t have to use crowded public transport or I’m not getting stuck in traffic jams, I also don’t have to work with stupid clients every day…
There are advantages and disadvantages of both solutions. But to sit whole day in empty flat isn’t really comfortable for me…
Now I’m taking less orders, firstly because of the situation which took place last time, secondly because now I’m sleepy all the time :( The last month really beats me up.


I began to pack the bag to the hospital. I think baby outfit and almost all things for me are chosen. I'm missing only some cosmetics. in my opinion it’s better to prepare everything earlier, because childbirth can begin at any time.


To not think about stressing situations I started coding. I just wanted to learn how to do this, but maybe one day I’ll develop some great app ;) Why? I haven’t think about it yet, can be for satisfaction. I still feel uncertain, because the most of my friends are developers, so when they start to talking about coding and IT problems I’m just sitting and not even trying to understand them ;) Maybe I can finally understand what they are talking about ;)


I also spend a lot of time on DIY projects. I gave up with crocheting for now, because I realized, that I have a lot of scarfs - I really don’t need another one. But I made two friendship bracelets (this one with watermelons and cats). And I haven’t said the last word on this matter yet. I have plans to make at least one more. Or even more than one if my art spirit hasn't gone to waste ;)

0 comments: