Purr Inside Of Me

Autumn has finally arrived. Ok fine, maybe not 100%, but slowly I can sense her in the air. The heat disappears minute by minute. Crisp and cool air penetrates me right through. And makes me feel good. Morning fog wraps the trees, and the rising sun makes the whole landscape intimate and very peaceful.

I’m an Autumn Spirit. Fall has always been sensitive and kind to me. I would love to have her for the whole year; I’m never bored or tired of this season. I love her colors, but I also appreciate shades of grey. I have a feeling that Autumn is changing her mood as often as I do; maybe that’s why I can stay understanding so much for everything that happens. Nature influences me a lot, and oh how easier my life became when I realized that. Now I can follow her directions; regardless of the season.
Inhale and exhale. The wind in my hair, gentle sun’s rays entwine the arms, raindrops falling down on my face, chilled cheeks. Beauty and serenity. Minimalism. In such a moment I need nothing more. I feel it stronger and I enjoy nature. I feel unity and integrity.

Recently many things have happened. And as it usually is; some of them were better, some of them worse. I was supposed to write earlier, but these tough moments have accumulated suddenly, like storm clouds.

I’ll describe it out of sequence.

For sure one of the positive changes is my new job.
The previous one was stable, but I didn’t have an opportunity to develop myself. I was frustrated and bored; I couldn’t focus on my tasks. I felt that I’m no longer as accurate as at the beginning. I’ve quit.
Since September I’m working for a different company. I’m implementing myself into the project and learning things. To be honest - this is a totally different environment. I feel I’ve needed this change.
It’s been an intensive time; I’m overloaded with information, but I think this is how it usually looks at the beginning. Anyway, I feel significant.

I’m creating things. I feel it’s related to my beloved Autumn, which has finally arrived.
I’m playing with the copper, I’m trying to cover many plants and leaves with it. I would like to create the most autumnal macrame hanging which I can imagine. These copper elements will be a part of this project.
Also, I’m returning to resin projects. I’ve recently ordered a new one and I’m going to create some pendants with the moss, little fungi and other treasures from the woods. Now, during the Autumn I walk a lot!

Recently I’ve also tried embroidery for the first time. I’ve never felt that I need to create pictures with a needle. That’s funny, one day I’ve just realized I would love to decorate my diary cover with embroidery leaves. And here it is.

Despite my short break in August, I’m still writing letters to my pals. I’m working out on my style and I think old and vintage are my favorite ones. This is how my envelopes and cards look recently.

This year my holidays were intense, but fun. We were able to make a road trip like we usually did before covid - no planning, booking, etc. We just left home and went ahead to relish all the beautiful places.
We’ve started sightseeing in Slovenia, which is actually a very charming country. All these rock formations, waterfalls, blue lakes… It’s a kind of magic. I felt like moving to some undiscovered magical land where dryads and fairies live.

Also, Ljubljana amazed me with its tranquility and colors.

After leaving Slovenia we moved to the South.

Croatia… it's a very touristic country, especially the part by the sea. Of course, I’ve found many amazing and wild nooks, but still, most of the cities and villages close to the sea are overbooked. It’s worth visiting them, but only for a while, for example during the day; and then move to some calmer place for sleeping.

Croatian beaches are very beautiful, they’re full of rocks and with a wide variety of flora and fauna. Swimming among these amazing algae, fish, and sea urchins… oh how amazing it was!

One of the most beautiful cities - Dubrovnik - is better to visit after the high tourist season. We did it during the worst time ever, so close to the old town (which is the place where Game of Thrones was recorded) were thousands of people. Anyway, I don’t regret walking up and down through the lovely stairy alleys.

I’m 100% sure I’ll return to Dubrovnik one day. Most likely during some autumnal months and with the camper.

All in all, we drove along the coast, stopping by in random charming places. Against all odds, going through Bosnia and Herzegovina was a quick formality, without any unnecessary questions.
Dubrovnik was our last stop in Croatia, after this we started the second part of our journey - the Italian one. We took a ferry to get through the Adriatic Sea. After 8 boring hours, we got to Bari.

Well, if I had to compare Croatia to Italy, I would say that Italy was a cheaper country. And for sure it was easier to find a sleeping spot, cities weren't that crowded. But local people don’t usually care about their land at all. Most of the cities and places along the roads were dirty and full of rubbish and large-size garbage. And oh, the driving culture in Italy leaves much to be desired…
Naples disappointed me with mediocrity and neglect. But to the contrary, Italian coasts and wonderful Florence loaded my batteries. 

I think we didn’t plan enough time in Florence, we need to return there too.

Well, we couldn’t visit many interesting places because of lack of time - Vesuvio, Etna, Toscany, in general, are left for some other trip. All in good time, what is delayed is not lost… etc ;)
To sum up - our holidays were amazing, active, and very relaxing despite some failings.

In the nearest future, we’re going to make a camper. I’ve bought a delivery car from Germany and we’re working on it right now. Of course, there are some parts which need to be replaced or fixed. Driver's cabin needs to be cleaned and disinfected. I think this car needs some love and care; it’ll experience many adventures with us.
I love items with a soul, I like to give them a second life.

Well, not everything was that nice and easy lately. I had some difficulties; to be honest, I have to admit, that I’ve experienced more tough moments than these nice ones. I’m not moaning, I’m just affirming the fact.

Before our holidays Amaya started to over-salivate. It turned out that she had a broken sore tooth. It wasn’t a life-threatening situation, but for sure it was stressful and difficult for her.
The tooth was removed very quickly and Amaya gained another milestone - she became more confident and hugging. I think I can no longer call her a withdrawn cat. Fine, sometimes she’s shy, but I’m pretty sure we’ve worked out her traumas from the ‘kittyhood’.
Amaya has been very supportive to me recently; I think even more than I am for her.

And just after our holidays, Misio got sick… Every disease becomes a serious one because of his age (22 years). This time the problem was related to the liver. Suddenly my beloved cat felt worse. Liver parameters in blood tests jumped 5 times off the scale. Misio stopped to eat, he was hiding from us all the time. He’s usually inquisitive and sociable. He even comes when we have to give him medicines or injections. After 3-4 days of getting antibiotics, he felt better, but he still didn’t want to eat anything. For this whole time, he was fed intravenously. Also, we forced him to eat - we had to feed him with a syringe. He got convalescent food and also cans mixed with water. He was super mad at us, but it was the only way to still keep him alive.
Vets suggested we should let him go because he was stressed and his tests were really bad all the time.

In the meantime, a USG test showed that he has a tumor in his liver. Also, he somehow had inflammation of virtually the entire abdominal cavity.
Also, the vet who took care of him got mad at me because of my inquisitiveness and obstinacy. I’ve asked him to make one more test from the blood because had strong anemia; he was on the verge of transfusing blood. It looked like an internal hemorrhage. He didn’t agree, so I’ve made this test in a different vet center. And just as I feared, the results were terrible. I’ve sent them to the vet and can you imagine that he said “It means nothing; I haven’t asked for these results, so I’m not going to include them in the treatment process”.
I felt like a shit… For around 3 weeks I’ve been waking up full of fear because I didn’t know if Misio would survive another night… This vet’s behavior was just another “brick” to my ‘nightmare wall”. The whole situation destroyed me…
I’ve changed the vet.
After a few days of the new treatment blood tests were still terrifying, but better than the previous ones. There was a trace amount of fluid in the abdomen, so apparently, the bleeding stopped.
He started to eat on his own. In the beginning, he seemed to forget how to eat, sometimes he couldn’t swallow the food. We helped him to grab some meat. That was crazy, but it worked. He was finally eating something without forcing him to do this. His liver tests started to improve.
And the latest USG test shows that this thing in his liver decreases! So now, vets are not so sure if it’s a tumor anymore.
Misio feels better right now, he started to eat on his own. He doesn’t eat a lot, but we’re trying to feed him more often.

He behaves like he always does. He wants to accompany us in all the things we do, also he wants to play.
Still, I can’t say that he has fully recovered, but there is no threat to life anymore. The whole story is much longer, but I’ve tried to put it in the nutshell.
For the whole time, I had huge support (both substantive and psychological) from Aga (who is our dietician). I’m very thankful for everything she’s done.

Recently my home jungle got worse too. Since August I've been trying to get rid of thrips, which felt like home on my monsteras. Also, calatheas have spider mites… It’s hard to say if I’ll be able to save my plants. I really love them and I’ll do my best to keep them alive. I feel grateful for how they make the space greener and warmer. But at once I don’t feel like a specialist in this field. To be honest, a few months ago I would probably be panicking about these flower pests, but now when Misio was sick I’ve just pushed it into the background. I’m not proud of it, but if I could turn back time I wouldn’t change it anyway.

My health and well-being also behave like a sine wave.
My heart isn’t in the best condition, but also I had worse problems in the past. Every training I do end with the atrioventricular block. This makes me tired and discouraged. Sometimes I decide to miss exercising because of it. I know that I shouldn’t… Even increased doses of drugs do not help.
In case that was still not enough, I’ve learned I have an insulin resistance disease. It was the reason why I’ve felt sleepy all the time. And also I’ve gained weight very fast, although I’m mostly eating healthy food. It took some time to diagnose my problem, but now I’m finally under the care of an experienced endocrinologist. I have a specific treatment plan - I don't wander blindly; I got medicines that are supposed to stop insulin bursts and increase glucose absorption. I’m doing blood tests regularly. My dietician helps me to get used to the new situation.
I feel a bit better, I’m not that sleepy and incapable of regular functioning like before. I don’t have to drink coffee/yerba mate for the whole day. My concentration increased a lot. Also, my sleeping quality got better. Still, I need a lot of time to get asleep, but I have more deep sleep periods during the night.
My weight… this is the case I’m devastated by… When I have to meet somebody (friends or a stranger) I feel self-conscious and unsure. This is why I’m not seeing my friends very often. I have a feeling that everyone judges me because of how I look. I’m aware that it might be a false assumption. Sometimes there is a huge abyss between reality and the way I feel.

I’m trying not to expect impossible things from myself. I’m learning how to cut myself some slack; get to know my own needs and don’t overload my self-capacity. I feel and experience a lot. I’m working on changing my approach and I’m trying to keep my mind open.
Sometimes it hurts, when people around me over-interpret and don’t understand my actions. Of course, I’m learning how to live with no acceptance, but it’s not easy. You can never guess what’s in someone’s mind; not everything is that clear and visible at first glance.
And you know what? We’ll never make everyone happy. Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is remaining selfish and egoistic.