Purr Inside Of Me

Well it’s already December, but I still feel Autumn in the air. It’s not gone yet. Autumnal time has its own rights. I consist of melancholy; I’m pulled through the set of different and sometimes contrasting emotions and feelings. I experience every single day with a different approach, but I guess, this is not bad at all.And now it's a very specific moment, when I need to have my black tourmaline with me all the time. I believe it protects from toxic people and destructive relations.
It's a time when the pumpkin tastes completely different than usual; when walking through a path full of rustling leaves becomes a kind of therapy. When the smell of fresh forest moss soothes frayed nerves.
Unfortunately even all these kind things won’t be able to protect me from all the evil which exists on the Earth, but I’m pretty sure that somehow, on a level different than the scientific, they can give rise to something positive. Maybe they can support me to cope with the obstacles that life throws at my feet. Recently I faced a lot of them.

I think, right now I’m slowly getting ready to write about what happened in my life. Because now I’ve finally closed a certain phase in my life. I’ve dealt with it and I’m on my way to build myself over again. I no longer feel insecure or too weak. Only from time to time there is a brief twinge of regret. Because no one expects to be swept away by a wave of humiliation and evil from the calmest lake, right?

I don't think I'll tell you everything today, but I'll definitely tell you a lot.
I wonder how I from the past (for example from one year ago) would react if I had the opportunity to talk to her right now. And tell her about what happened to me during these 12 months. I suspect she wouldn't believe what awaits her...
Well, she’ll face a lot of pain and tears.
Actually, I have some gaps in my memory, so I'm not entirely sure if I'll be able to describe everything to you as precisely as I would like.

So let me start by saying that last year, during the summer holidays (in June?), my still-husband, A., decided to leave home. Things had been going poorly for some time; he didn't want to talk to me; he said he needed a month of rest. We didn't break up, we were just going to have a short break from each other's presence. He suggested that we live apart for a month and then discuss everything thoroughly - what we expect from each other, what our needs are. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea but I finally agreed.
When the time to meet up and return arrived (it was at the end of the month), I suddenly found out that the move wasn't just for a while... In hindsight, I came to the conclusion that I should have guessed that he’s gone for good, because he took all his things...

Somehow, at the end of September last year, he informed me that since he moved out, he had been meeting some girl for sex. He found her on a dating app. But he assured that it was a "several actions resulting from his physiological needs" and he no longer has contact with her. He cried and confessed that during these bedtime episodes he only thought about me. He then assured me that he would like to repair our relationship.

It hit me very hard. I never expected him to have someone on the side - even without an emotional connection. For as long as I can remember, he has been very critical of cheating or meeting random people for sex. Even the idea of FWB was always "something strange and incomprehensible" to him.
It was really hard, but we still felt something for each other and decided it was worth a try. Somewhere, twisted feelings put us back on a common path, and there was only one thing I didn't realize at that time - that it was just fun for him...

We started meeting for coffee and lunch at first; walks - it was like a fresh start; like meeting someone new. Then gradually for a little longer; sometimes for nights. It was wonderful. Romantic. Like never before in our relationship. It’s such an abstraction.
In December (still last year) we were in Berlin together - on his initiative. Then we started spending time together with Maja. I can't erase from my mind how happy she was then. Everything was really leading to our success - reconciliation.

One day, I shyly asked him to return home. What I heard from him knocked me off my feet; he didn't want to come back to me. He told me he's not ready. He was afraid that he’ll be unhappy again. Also he announced that he prefers to date me the same way we did recently.
I didn't understand it. He claimed he didn't understand it either. He kept saying that he loves me but he’s afraid to trust me again (wtf???). He claimed that nothing would ever change if we moved in together again. He accused me, I will start destroying him again (I don't even know how I would do that).
I was very confused and I tried to look for any explanation, which he couldn't give me either. I tried to understand; to look inside myself and find out what exactly had destroyed him so much. I’ve earnestly tried to find a magical solution that (now I know) never existed...
Well, I think if you want to rebuild a relationship, you have to look at yourself critically, am I right? Especially if we are trying to reassemble the total rubble. I know my imperfections (because no one is perfect), but that doesn't mean I'm the only person responsible for this destruction.

We talked many times. He asked me for more time to make a decision. He told me how bad his mental state was; what panic attacks he was having and how much he didn't want to hurt me (sic!). Completely regardless of the condition I was in - because of him.
He asked me for more time, so I gave it to him; we still met, it was romantic and nice. But at the same time, I felt like I was on some damn trial period - we were supposed to be together, but actually we weren't really together. Emotionally I was 10 meters below the mud. He watched my reactions, commented on them, and instilled in me that I would never change. But at the same time, he still wanted to try… And date me…
I kept hearing that "I will always be cold, I will hurt and cause destruction wherever I go." I didn't understand what it all meant - what exactly this coldness was. Of course, he couldn't answer these questions... Today I know that they were just words; justification to keep playing with my feelings. I don't know, maybe these empty excuses made him feel better about himself - less guilt, etc.

Anyway, after the agreed time, I came back to the topic of living together, but once again he asked for more time, giving further twisted explanations. He promised to sign up for therapy.
At the same time, we decided to go to couples therapy to work on our bond and better understand the other party. Things were different during our joint therapy - sometimes better, sometimes worse, but basically he kept assuring me that he loves me, he wants to try, and wants to fix things. And that he still wants to create a family with me.
Theoretically we met sometimes, but only in the weeks when Maja was at his place. When my daughter was with me, he didn't want to see me. He got upset or simply ignored my messages when I wrote to him.

I was more and more emotionally tired of the situation where A. came when he liked and left when he had enough. I was mentally falling apart more and more. Now, in hindsight, I have the impression that he was totally amused by how I feel. He twisted me around his finger and made me dependent on him. I was waiting for his declarations of love; for him to come, to hug me, to drink coffee with me or simply to exchange a few words. He said a lot of things that gave me hope. And I naively took it to my heart, being sure that he was not a bad person. All this intensified the feeling of guilt that was planted in me due to his alleged mental problems...

During our common therapy we had some exercises; the therapist advised me to give him a bit more time. She was sure that he really loves me, that he’s completely lost and he doesn't understand his emotions. She assured me, he was an intelligent and composed person, but he just needed to stabilize himself.
In fact, I cannot accuse him of his intelligence. But I also won't deny that he is calculating. To be honest, I sincerely admire how he could fool even a therapist(!), telling her how injured he is.
Oh how silly I was; I tried to give him the support he supposedly needed. Of course without getting anything in exchange. I was a mess; totally on the edge. I tried to be strong, supportive, and joyful. I’ve always tried to find a time and a nice word. F*ck…

(Probably) in January things started to look different. That was the first time he told me that he loves and hates me at the same time. That he doesn't know if he will ever be ready to create a family with me.
Still there were days when he was affectionate, loving, interested and engaged. And then a day later he became cold, aloof; ignored me, or even got angry with me for things I didn't understand. As if two people lived in one body. First A. had a twinkle in his eye when he looked at me, and the other one looked with impatience and irritation. I didn't get it. I couldn't understand how you could love and not love someone at the same time. What exactly does that feel like? How does it actually work? Is that even possible?

At some point, out of the blue, he suggested that "maybe we should move in together in around six months." He started looking for apartments - indicatively, but nothing specific. Just to look around the market: what's emerging and what the price trends are. I was truly happy. Again I started to believe that we can get through this mess and come out stronger. And be more attentive to your needs. We looked at offers together. I asked to try earlier, but again he said "I need more time".
And again I felt like shit and like someone he cared about at the same time.

He didn't want to talk to me, he didn't want to explain anything. He just repeated like a mantra that nothing would ever change; that he will surely lose himself with me. Of course - no specific information. Just these devastating words.

I didn't understand it at all. After a dozen or so conversations, I forced some scraps of information from him. I heard that he never liked doing something, but he did it for me. But wait, he never ever said anything about his preferences! For the last 15 years together, when I asked for his opinion (on various topics), he always said that everything was fine. But ultimately it turned out that it was not. I asked why he was behaving like that; why he never said what he really thought and felt... he replied that he didn't see the point in talking to me. Just like that. “Because there was never anything to talk about with me anyway.” But at the same time he assured me that if we get back together, we must start talking because it is important. And that he still wants to try. For us.

In February there was a moment when things between us were great again. I still felt uncertain and his lack of decisiveness. I was still afraid, but at the same time, I was glad that everything was going so well.
We planned a trip to Malta - also on his initiative. The trip was planned for the end of March.
In the meantime, we continued to go to therapy. A. claimed that the longer we go there, the less sure he is whether he still wants to try to repair the relationship. But at the same time he wanted these appointments and he was still willing to talk to me. Also we were still dating and there was some kind of warmth and passion between us.
I was getting conflicting signs from him - he could be warm and cold at the same time - I don't even know how to describe it in a sensible way. I was getting love and rejection from him at the same time.

One time, during one of the common therapies, I simply exploded (which I wasn't proud of, even later I regretted it and tried to undo it); grief, pain, fear - all at once made me shout to him that he has to decide by the end of March whether he is with me or not. And if not, then he should f**k out of my life once and for all. He accepted it calmly and agreed to these conditions. This happened sometime at the end of February.

Throughout March, including the trip to Malta, he kept me in total suspense. He promised me love and he said that everything will be fine in the end. He stated that he was 99% sure that he wants to still be with me and move in together soon. But at the same time he didn't want to declare himself and say directly that "yes, we are together." It was still romantic, we were dating; making picnics with Maja. A. was promising her that we’ll find a solution and our family will be put back together soon. He said that we are working on it and everything is going well. Maja accepted it very happily, but at the same time at home she kept asking me why everything looks the way it does. I couldn't answer her questions... I tried to understand it myself...

It was great in Malta. Almost perfect. So romantic. We returned from there at the end of March. And we continued to meet until the last day of the month.
On March 31st he came to me and broke up with me.
The day before it was intimate and romantic; he assured me that he loves me. When he was breaking up, he said that this relationship makes no sense anymore and that even though he loves me, he couldn't continue being with me. The ground gave way under my feet. I tried to understand.
I asked for an explanation, which I deserved. He said that explaining anything was too difficult emotionally for him and that he would explain it to me in a week when he calms down.
Again, like an idiot, I gave him this week and waited for what he would say.

This week after returning from Malta was the hardest for me. I basically stopped eating, sleeping, I couldn't function... at all. I wanted to die. I thought about nothing else with such hope as death. To stop feeling it all. The mental pain is terrible. I injured myself much more as in the last few years. I made subsequent wounds before the previous ones were even healing. I'm not proud of it today, but back then it helped me survive; to feel something else than mental pain. It was such a relief for a moment. I was horrified.

After a week he came back and said that he still loves me, but he was terrified of me. He said that "I cornered him," so he got scared and ran away. He also said he was afraid of confronting me; that meetings with me are ruining his psyche. I didn't know what to answer him. I tried to comfort... to understand... I had no idea if it was about my words, emotions or something completely different. I cried and believed that somehow we would be able to put it all together, work on his and my traumas and save our family. I really dreamed that everything would calm down and that we both would feel safe in this relationship. I tried to initiate meetings. Even though he kept saying that he wants to give us a chance, I felt like he was avoiding me.

And finally the plot twist day came... From a trusted source I found out about her - a student from Tinder. The same one with whom he previously had a sex and allegedly he broke up with...
I managed to do my homework in less than 2 days - I found out who she was, what her name was, where she lived (when she didn't live with him), what she was studying... They had been dating all this time when we were seriously starting to repair our relationship.
I learned about dates for most of their meetings, sex encounters, trips… I even found the notes about what to tell the divorce lawyer; his own psychologist ( which she personally scheduled for him). And much, much more... I thought I was going to puke when I read it all...

After a long time, when I analyzed everything carefully, I had a huge panic attack.
The next day I met him and pressed him to confess. He did it. He had no other option. At first he denied it, he tried to excuse himself by saying that she was an acquaintance, a colleague, that they had nothing in common, etc. But after receiving specific information, he simply saw that I already knew everything about her anyway. He confessed; he said he regretted it very much; he cried; he assured me he never wanted to hurt me like that. He asked for forgiveness. I felt sick, I had to process it. I left.
The same day he sent me a message saying he would never ever come back to me. At first I didn't even reply; I was completely emotionally composed. All I remember from that day is that my mom came to my place after work and took care of absolutely everything for the next few days. I have a memory gap. Black hole.

A. contacted me after a few days. He wanted to talk to me. He assured me that he’ll break up with this girl; that he only loves me and wants to keep trying. It was a very difficult conversation. We came to the point that maybe I will be able to forgive him somehow, but I need time for it. And also our relationship has to be real. That means that he would also try for us the same as I’ve been trying all this time. He agreed.

However, after a few days he came again and told me that he doesn’t have the strength to fight for our relationship. He advised me to forget about him. And after the next few days he said he was lost and didn't know what to do because he loves both of us (sic!). And he doesn't want to lose any of us. He even proposed an open relationship (sic squared!)
I should have opened my eyes then. And accept the thought that all this time I was just a toy for him. I know, now I can see what an idiot I was; I didn't even see it when he talked about his plans to go to Japan for vacation. And he kept mentioning that he doesn’t know yet whether he would go there alone, with me or with his mistress. He kept saying he didn't know what to do.

Finally I decided to text his mistress, I was sure she was also being cheated on by him. I described to her exactly what he was doing and what the whole situation looked like emotionally - from my and Maja's perspective. She didn't reply. But I know she read it because A. was furious.
He told me she broke up with him. We tried to glue everything again - this time it was more difficult. Emotionally and physically too. A. was even more unstable and uncertain. He kept saying that he doesn’t know how he feels about me. He completely didn't know what he wanted to do next.
And I, on the other hand, was already at the end of my rope.

The following situation has continued for the entire May. It destroyed me completely. I didn't feel hungry at all, I could go several days without eating because I didn't remember about it. Or I didn't have the motivation. I lost almost 7 kg that month. My temperature was constantly around 38 degrees. I was shaking - mostly my hands, but sometimes my whole body. Muscle tension caused me to constantly feel pain in my back and neck. I couldn't move. I hardly slept at all. My menstrual cycles were completely disturbed. Constant diarrhea, vomiting, nausea. Getting herpes, mycosis or cystitis - alternating - over and over again. Toothache without a specific cause (the dentist doesn't know what to do with me, because I have absolutely nothing to treat, but I feel pain - until now). Additionally: tinnitus, atrioventricular blocks, tachycardia, and dizziness are commonplace. Neurosis. Depressive and anxiety states. Panic attacks sometimes lasted several hours. More than half of my hair fell out. That's why I had to cut them short...

There was a moment when I just layed on the bed; either cried out or stared at the ceiling. And my mom didn't know what to do with me. She lived with me - I don't even remember for how long. And this is how I existed; I ignored people, I failed at work, I didn't care what was happening around.
With the last glimpse of my strength, I dragged myself to a psychiatrist and I burst into tears. I didn't even have the strength to say anything. I sat down and cried.
I got meds. Regular ones, for sleeping, and ones that I was supposed to take temporarily when the panic attack started. At the beginning, I needed the latter all the time; then when the regular ones started to work, I could gradually stop taking the ad hoc ones.
I can't describe it, but I felt like someone had given me drugs to numb the emotional pain. Like I had received some dose of logical thinking. I don’t know, the treatment knocked some sense into myself.. Magic… I started to notice and understand what he has been doing and how he has been behaving for the last few months. How he manipulated me and played with my feelings. He attracted and repelled. He hugged and then kicked me. How he took advantage of my trust, affection and love. And what he did to our daughter.
I feel the effects of this all till today. I’m still weakened and sick; not all of the previously described symptoms have gone away. But now I slowly rebuild myself, my self-esteem and hope.
In the meantime, it turned out that the paramour hadn’t broken up with him. They are still together even though she knew perfectly well what A. did to me and Maja... I lost respect for her too. They both deserve each other.

Maja asked me many times about what happened. After consulting the whole story with a psychologist, I decided to tell her the truth.
As it turned out, Maja didn’t realize that A. was cheating on me, but she knew about this girl. He called her a close friend who’ll be present in their lives as "someone more" in the nearest future. He told Maja to absolutely not mention her to me. My daughter even managed to get to know her... He burdened the child with secrets that she simply couldn't bear emotionally. She mentally collapsed like a house of cards. The school started reporting problems. I agreed for her to start seeing the school psychologist. It helped at first, but then she withdrew and didn't want to talk anymore. The psychologist threw up her hands. Maja was sad, she cried, she often got angry. She destroyed the things she got from A. One day she said she doesn’t trust her dad anymore because he’s constantly lying.

And then the story of my life is probably "standard"... After all this, I told A. that I want a divorce. He officially started dating his paramour. She even moved in regularly. Maja told him that she didn't like this at all. Generally, she "likes her a little", because the girl is supposedly nice and (to quote my child's words) "she tries very hard", but she’s fed up with her. Do you know what she heard from her father? That this decision doesn’t belong to her; that it's his life and he will do whatever he feels and he wants. And he told her that one day she would understand... Hands down. Hands, legs, tits, everything…

At the end of May, A. began to repent again. He started writing and coming to me; he begged me to let him come back. He invited me to go to Pyrkon. He said he doesn’t love this girl. Also ensured if I agreed to go with him, he would break up with her.
I don't understand how he can treat anyone so objectively... I refused to go. He kept writing to me and bothering me. I was sooooo tired; I wrote to him that it was over. He only made sure that was my final decision and… finally gave up!

I'm disgusted by him and I will never ever forgive what he’s done.

As if all this wasn't enough, my blood boiled when I saw his divorce application. He turned himself into a victim of domestic violence - a dented, poor and mentally and physically abused (wtf!) man. My depression has been destroying him for years. He supported the family when I was studying (I simply earned much less then) or when I didn't work at all (I had surgery). And on top of that, he accused me of being a terrible and unsupportive wife and mother. He turned me into a monster and, of course, he didn't say a word about his betrayal and the complete emotional destruction of me and my daughter...
I can't believe, how can he be so pathetic, to put the whole blame on me…

Sometimes it may seem that you have known a person for all your life… And then after 15 long years it turns out that you didn't know him at all... It's terribly sad and disappointing.

What else can I add...?
Maybe it's just that I'm doing well at the moment. Life has been different; sometimes it's very difficult. May I exhaust my limit of misfortunes for one life...
To be continued…