I'm not going to follow the chronology. Recently it seems I don’t know how it works anymore. I miss chronology, days; I live in hope, fantasies and dreams. As long as sleep comes at all. Well, recently it’s not that obvious. Sometimes I sleep 1 hour, sometimes I don’t fall asleep. And sometimes I’ve been sleeping for 10 hours.
Coffee doesn’t work like it always did. Not any more.
I lost some weight. Too much. For the first time in my life I’m underweight. Sometimes I don’t feel that I’m hungry. I forget to eat.
My 15-years relationship broke. When I think about this, I realize this has been going on for quite some time. Well, how naively I believed that we could fix it; survive the difficult time. Because we’re a family, am I right? Family always sticks together, isn’t it?
We’ve been living separately for more than half a year, but still I have some stupid spark of faith that we can eventually “glue it up”. I’m not ready to tell you more right now.
In May Purka had surgery. She tore the cruciate ligament in her right hind paw. Technically everything went well, but she felt terrible afterwards. She’s been refusing to defecate; the vet had to do it manually. It was stressful for me and her, but all in all the situation is under control.
And now in November it turned out Amaya has FORL and some autoimmune disease called lymphocytic-plasmacytic stomatitis. Now she’s under professional care. She’ll be fine.
Van is almost done. Ok fine, there are still some minor malfunctions which need to be handled. For now it’s at the mechanic's to replace critical elements that failed. But in general the van works properly; it's an amazing and cozy apartment and the best adventure. Well, I only regret that I’ve lost the person who was supposed to conquer the world with me… Probably…
Last holidays were full of trips and experiences. Finally metal festivals are back. Last year I went for 3 in the Czech Republic. First one with Adam and Maja. The second hmm… technically with Adam, but we only went together and most of the time we spent separately. And the third one with my friend who’s never been to a festival before. Maybe I’ve just found a person who will travel a bit with me in the future. We’ll see; I’m not planning anything yet.
Anyway, it was so good to be part of this metal climate again - music, metal family, fun… I missed it during the pandemic.
And in October I went to an In Flames concert in Katowice. Alone. And to Sonata Arctica with my brother.
In February I go to Wrocław to a Turmion Kätilöt show. I bought tickets 2 years ago. I’m taking the same friend who went to the 3rd festival with me.
I'm looking forward to this time.
In September I started a new job. New project, new responsibilities, interesting challenges. And nice team.
I left my previous job at the end of 2022.
Also after 5 years I had to quit volunteering in cats’ sanctuary. The amount of hate and disrespect from the organization’s management exceeded any normal limits. I wasn't emotionally strong enough to bear it.
But well, maybe “every cloud has a silver lining” and so on. I gather my strength to start looking for a new place where I can help abandoned animals.
I don’t remember if I mentioned it before but I was diagnosed with insulin resistance. I have reached pre-diabetes, but I found a meticulous endocrinologist who helped me last minute. I’m undergoing treatment, I need to be on a low glycemic index diet. My blood tests results are improving, but for the next at least one year I won’t be able to stop taking/changing my medicines. But this is fine, finally I feel ok.
Sometimes I express myself with art. I can’t focus on writing letters, but I had some short episodes of watercolors. I even bought new sparkling colors to emphasize some details.
Somehow I still exist. Slowly, but surely forward. I have a lot of support from several people. I’m not sure how would I manage my life and my emotions without them.
For now, I'm still standing; counting down the days until the next events that keep me alive. Probably just them at the moment. And cats.
My condolences on the loss of your relationship.
ReplyDeleteAlso know that a new job can be energizing...and taxing too.
Remember, you are NOT the things that have happened; they are just incidents that have gone on around you.
Your spirit still shines.
Please let us know how you are from time to time, and Happy New Year.
Thank you so much for sharing this challenging year with us. It takes courage to share the tough times as well as the empowering ones, such as your independent journeys. All the harder a year with illnesses with the cats and your own and going it alone. I send wishes for the new year and for finding a peace within as you move forward into your new life. We never know for certain what the future holds but I hope it holds many good things for you.
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