Purr Inside Of Me

December… Well, the time goes fast and never looks behind. Sometimes everything seems to be mixed and I can’t recognize what day is today. Days, weeks, months…My life is confusing sometimes. I’m trying to mentally get prepared for the winter holidays. I’m constantly filling myself with patience and positive energy. I know, I’ll need these during the time which I’m going to spend with my family. And I also know that even the largest deposits of this material will be exhausted before I leave… I run out of them every year.

I’m pretty sure I’ll get the same “Christmas best wishes” as every year… Become wiser, finally, get mature, stop playing the depression, for heaven's sake lose some weight, and get pregnant again before it’s too late. To be honest, I’ve heard it so many times, that I should probably get used to these, or even become resistant. But it always hurts the same.

It’s going to be the first Winter without Misio. And the first decorated tree, which he won’t experience with us. I feel sadness and longing, but at once I’m trying to believe feels happy wherever he is right now. For sure he gets love and warmness, which he deserves. I know he didn’t have an easy life; at the beginning, people ignored his needs and illness. I did everything I could to make him feel important and happy.
And I really hope that he’ll take care of me when it’s my time to leave this body. I hope we’ll meet again; I’ll be able to hug his soft fur again till the end of the universe.

I’m not a Catholic, I don’t believe in God and heaven. To be honest; I can’t precisely name what I feel and who I believe in; I’m more Pagan than anything else.

We decided to cremate Misio’s body. I couldn’t even imagine leaving him in the vet clinic. I’m not judging anyone for choosing this option; I just feel I wouldn’t be able to do this. For now, I still keep his ashes at home; I haven’t decided yet what’s next. I’m not ready to make any decision. For sure I won’t bury him at the cemetery. Well, I don’t want to be buried too after I die. I just don’t feel I need it. And also I don’t want anyone to feel compelled to visit and clean my grave once per year. I want to be cremated too; I would like my ashes to be spilled somewhere on Skye island. Or eventually to the sea.

Girls were devastated after losing a friend.
Purka and Amaya were looking for him after we returned with an empty container.

They were confused and stressed. Amaya still jumps up in fear when some rapid sound happens.

At the same time, girls saw our sorrow and they proved to be very supportive.

The first night we were sleeping all together - me, my husband and Purka, Amaya and Hedwiga. They were hugging us, purring, and licking our faces. It was so gentle and full of love.
Regularly they’re not sleeping with us for the whole night. We usually have different rituals and habitats.

It seems they understand what happened. I let them smell the carrying box and Misio’s ashes. They had as much time as they needed to check them out. I’ve washed a blanket and the box after a week or so. 

Also, Hedwiga has regressed in her behavioral development. The bouts of aggression have returned; she’s nervous almost all the time. She bites us, she’s started to bully Purka.
Purka feels scared; the whole situation is uncomfy for all of us.
After consultation with a cat behaviorist, we decided to start socialization with the isolation process once again.
Purka and Hedwiga are isolated for most of the time. They’re supplemented with some herbal meds, to let them feel calm. Also, we’re working with them all the time. We’re slowly trying to arrange meetings. For now, the entire process looks promising

I think Hedwiga lost the most in this situation - Misio was the only cat who wanted to play with her; also the only one who spent time with her. Sometimes he was cleaning her fur, liked to hug her from time to time.
Now she doesn’t have any cat friends. Purka doesn’t like to play with other cats; she prefers playing with humans. Amaya doesn’t like Hedwiga at all; she can live close to her, they usually don’t have any interactions.
To be honest - until now I had no idea how strong connecting link Misio was. He loved everyone and everyone felt it back.

We’ll never be the same family without him.

There is one thing that helped me to deal with my sadness was sewing Waldorf dolls. That’s crazy because I usually don’t sew a lot. But these dolls seem to be magical and special.
I’ve started with watching tutorials from Fig and Me YT channel and they’ve made me feel positive and eager to create my own doll as soon as possible.

I’ve made a few dolls so far, but I feel I'll make more in the nearest future. Fine, I won’t create them as fast as before, but I have a few ideas for the theme, and I really would love to put them into practice.
I love the idea of them - they’re only made with rags/second-hand clothes or natural products. The point is to support eco-solutions and not to create more new rubbish. From Mother Earth’s point of view, all the brand new things, which we make using artificial fabrics are rubbish. They’ll hardly decompose, so they’re not friendly to the environment.

I’m also slowly returning to penpalling. I had a short break because I felt uncomfy. The way I feel always affects my letters :( Luckily, most of my pen friends are understanding; no one was mad at me about the delay. Still, I can’t say that I feel good, but at least, I have the power to get up from bed in the morning…
The last letters I’ve made are in the Winter theme. Sometimes they relate to the upcoming holidays. I think I won’t write more this year. But who knows?

The new year is just around the corner. I’m not planning anything specific for New Year’s Eve. We’re going to stay at home with a kid and cats. We plan to prepare some snacks (not a lot of them, because now, when I’ve changed my treatment again I don't have much appetite). We’ll probably play some board games, or watch some movie. Or maybe we’ll make something creative. We’ll see.
And as always - we’ll cover the windows to let cats feel chilled while the fireworks display starts. We need a peaceful atmosphere. Hopefully, my fur friends won’t notice what’s happening outside.

What are your plans for the winter holidays and New Year’s Eve? I hope you’ll have a warm and safe time with your closest ones.
Meanwhile, I'm going to pack the gifts from Santa :) I’ll catch up on your blogs after the weekend.