Purr Inside Of Me

Springtime. The weather finally let me spend evenings on my cozy loggia. Warm rays of light are dancing on my face, smooth wind tangles my hair. And a cup of green tea in my cats' company. These are very special and kind moments.Lately, I've found it hard to write anything here. Sometimes I felt I need it, but all in all, I couldn’t build even a few simple sentences. Just like that.

It’s a difficult time for me right now, as it was for all this time. At times, my days or even weeks were mixed up. They all became one dense interval. And the accompanying sense of meaninglessness, hopelessness, and being insufficient. Sometimes I’ve dreamed about dying, but I didn’t have enough courage for that. I still don’t have it. I’m exhausted.
I’m not sure how my life should look like; I have no plans for myself. Neither than hope. But I have a feeling that I can no longer control many things in my life; also the time runs away from me.
But still, I have myself (even if I don’t like her a lot), my passions, a stable job, and my beloved animals…
Many things got complicated recently, but I’m trying my best to fix them up. I’m trying to - I couldn’t find any better expression, because to be honest, I can’t cope with them at all. Any of them…
My health got worse too; at multiple levels at once. Actually, I’ll just have to get used to these issues and learn how to live with them. That’s all. So simple and so hard at the same time.
Well, I’ve been upset here (on my blog) for 8 months. Long time I think. Maybe one day I’ll learn how to return more often to my safe place. Hopefully.
I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to catch up on all of your notes, but let’s say I’ll start once again from today, or tomorrow, or any time…

The sun is going down right now, the air smells with the evening and upcoming rain. Trains are slowly gathering for the night break; I can hear them sliding on the rails. It’s going to be another slow and silent evening, like many more recently.